Its not that I need a boyfriend right now.  I would like one.  I miss the companionship, the closeness, the suddling, and the kisses.  I know I am fine without one and can survive alone the rest of my life if need be.  I am not looking for that someone to complete me.  I am wanting that partner, that one I can turn to in hard times, that one that will always have a smile for me when I need it, the one that is happy to see me and can't wait to give me a hug every day.  I want that one where I can get lost in their eyes and see contentment and happiness reflected.  Back to the point though, Im not trying to rush anything, if you knew how many guys wanted to date me and I turned them down because I didnt feel that "click", you would understand.  I know that technically I havent been single for very long and this time has been a great thing.  I have learned a lot about myself and grown way more independent than I ever was with my ex.  My only concern is that "click".  Am I being to picky or am I as I feel justified to not take just anyone?  Is that click not happening because I have too many walls up?  Is it a trust thing?  Is it true what my ex said, that I never would be successful in a relationship because I expect too much?  Am I purposely finding things wrong with people so I don't have to commit? Is there something about me that I need to work on that is making me unappealing to those I like?  My weight? My humor? My money situation? My education?  I know that whomever I end up with should accept me for who I am, the whole part and parcel..."the whole genie gig".  I know that the world isnt perfect though and people arent all about personality.  There is still shallowness in human being, gay men in particular.  It is human nature, I don't fault them for it any more than I can fault a bird for pooping on my car.  Yes its annoying and I want to throttle them, but they won't change and it does no one any good.  I am putting myself out there in the ways I know I can and be comfortable with it, but unfortunately it is hard to meet good single gay men.  This is the reason I think that I stayed so long in my last relationship, I didn't want to go thru this.  Sad thing is, friends I had during that time have told me they had crushes on me and had to distance themselves because of that.  I think of what could have been, what did I miss because I was afraid.  I can't say my ex wasn't worth anything, he got me to Cali and this is the best my life has ever been, especially post-ex.  I have better quality of friends now and a great job.  Im starting to get my life in order.  There is just that one area that I don't see any progress and that is my love life.  I don't mean sex, sex without feelings just doesn't feel right.  It never has.  I can't do a bath house, I can't do random encounters, I can't do one night stands.  If I ever go to that step, its because I see something in them, I see a possibility and thats what I put into sex, everything I feel for them.  Im not gonna toot my own horn (shut up David), but I am good at what I do and thats why.  I guess what I am trying to say is it isnt so much a I need a boyfriend now to cure my loneliness, its a I want to share my life with someone.  I deserve to be happy.  I am not desperate as I would rather be alone than be with the wrong person.  I get to work early tomorrow, yay me, a late call tonight and I did't want to go buzzed so I pushed it till tomorrow.  Yay me!  Im gonna crash and hopefully get up on time.

P.S. Is it bad to wish that I was weaker sometimes and less concerned about others so I could get what I wanted?

You know those times when you are glad you found something out, but wish you hadn't.  The information you get ruins a fairytail of possibility that you had.  I had that happen tonight.  I'm a little disappointed in what I found out, but I am glad I know.  Now I can protect myself.  Unfortunately, it just made me feel more alone.  I don't know what to do to feel better.  I want to be able to go home and hug someone, to cuddle and share warmth.  All I have are my cats, but they are causing more problems in my life now than helping me.  I feel like my love life may never happen.  That maybe I was destined to be the firend, the dependable one, the reliable one, the single one.  I feel like I am on that Island of Misfit toys, I don't really fit in anywhere, but everyone feels sorry for me.  Im that train with square wheels, I keep trying to turn those damn things, but I dont go anywhere.  I guess I just feel lost.  All my friends are finding their other halves, dating people, getting out there.  I just don't want to meet a party boy at a bar or settle for just anyone.  I don't want to be in a relationship again like my last one.  Where I am always compremising and I am never happy.  I would rather be alone.  Maybe my standards are too high, I don't know, maybe I have to much hope in gay men to find a good one, one just for me.  Well, Im off to bed, Im done ranting, hopefully I feel better tomorrow.

Hey everyone, waiting for my shirt to dry so I can go to work and thought I would give an update.  On Sunday, while I was cooking brunch, after being in the kitchen for no less than 15 minutes of moving around in the kitchen, I stepped on a broken shot glass my cats had knocked on the floor.  It only hurt for a second but the blood was crazy.  The house looked like a crime scene.  To top it all off, my insurance from work hasnt kicked in yet and I had no bandaids.  I was stuck on the couch with my foot on a towel to catch the blood.  Every time I moved, it reopened.  Thankfully my friend Hikaru came after work and helped me take care of it with peroxide and bandaids.  Now I am dealing with the pain of walking on it as my job keeps me on my feet all day.  I will persevere though! I will survive!

Well, I'm not sure anyone will see this, but I have gone thru a lot recently and Im sure my friends are tired of hearing about people in my life and issues Im having, lol.  So Im going to use this as a journal to talk thru everything in my life and deal with it this way.  If anyone wants to comment or read, feel free. I will also probably post my short stories in here so give me feedback on those please, love to hear constructive criticism. 

So I guess this will be the first entry and here I go.  The holidays were a bit sad for me this year.  My best friend Stephanie and her family adopted me for the holiday season, which I am grateful to them, but seeing all these couples around me.  It seems like most of my friends have found that one for them which then means less time for me.  I know that sounds harsh and I am happy for them and I don't blame them for doing that.  Its natural for them to want to be with their other half.  I just wish I had one or less time to dwell on the fact that I don't.  My friends tell me I have to be happy with who I am and where I am in life in order to find one.  I am happy with myself right now.  I know I could improve on some things, but in general I am happy.  For those that know me, you know what a profound statement that is for me and I am ok with being single.  My time is my time, my money is my money, and I don't have to depend on anyone but me to do stuff.  It still remains true to fact that I go home to an empty bed and alone.  No amount of friends can fill that hole of having someone special and being special for someone.  I want my day to brighten when I see them smile, for my day to be made when they laugh, and to get that warm fuzzy feeling everytime I hear them say I love you and mean it.  I spent the last 7 years in a relationship with someone I didn't love.  I was content and felt safe, but was never in love with him.  I deserve to be happy and deserve to be loved and wanted.  Sometimes I wonder if I will find it or if I will be alone for awhile longer.  I have had people show interest in dating me, but I just haven't felt that romantic spark, that click that feels right.  I did find someone recently that I did find that spark with, but I dont think he is interested in anything long term at the moment.  That is usually my luck.  There is also someone who has perked my interest too, but he lives down in L.A. and long distance...not sure if I could handle that.  And then There was Russ.

Russ was the first guy I actually loved.  I met him while I was with my ex and he was with his ex.  There was an instant chemistry and we kept in touch.  My bf and I broke up and he and his ex broke up.  That was where our problems began.  Till then, he would get jealous if I went on a date, talked to me, and seemed genuinely interested in me.  He did have some problems and dealing with stuff from his past, but we all have crap in our past.  I started to fall for him and let him into my heart.  I let him passed those walls I keep around me.  Over tme, he stopped starting any conversations and avoided hanging out with me.  I got a little hurt, mentioned it to him and he explained he was intimidated by all the men I was seeing and also thought I was going to force him into a relationship right then.  I explained I didnt have any other guys really, I went on dates, but he was number one for me and I knew he didnt want to commit right then.  Thats why I was going on dates, I didnt want to pressure him.  I also told all my dates about him and advised him of that.  He said he wasnt aware and started talking to me again.  He actually started to hang out again.  We went to lunch one day and I got to meet his cats.  It seemed like it was looking good.  He came out to San Jose from his place in Menlo Park and hung out with my friends for a day.  We played Rock Band 2 and had a great time.  I was happy.  Then suddenly the hanging out stopped.  He started avoiding hanging out.  He also tapered of with starting conversations over IM again.  I mentioned it and he had said he had just gotten really busy with work.  He works in a high stress fast paced job and so I understood that.  He started conversations again, but still avoided hanging out.  I finally told him I was going to stop asking anymore, I was tired of being told no.  Then he stopped with conversations again.  I was starting all of them.  I finally got tired of it and just stopped starting the conversations.  After 4 weeks of silence, I realized I needed to say goodbye. The relationship hurt too much to keep it going.  I wrote him an email explaining that I need to say goodbye, he didnt seem interested anymore and I never won his heart.  I havent heard anything from him since.  I dont know if he got it or not, but Im done.  Im trying to heal, but its hard.  I still cry from time to time.. Sad thing is, I cry over him more in knowing him for 3 years than my ex who I knew for 7 years and lived with him. 

So back to the origional topic, the holidays were a little sad for me.  Being single during these time is hard for anyone and with all my friends meeting their other halves, it just made it harder.  This is why single people stick together I believe.  They create a family amongst themselves, but single gay men can be way too much drama for me.  Today I went with my friends to one of the best friends I have ever had.  We had a dinner party and yes, there were some small bits of drama but they paved over.  We played some games, ate some Prime Rib Chris had made.  It was delicious and I had a lot of fun.  They are my family now.  I look around at them all and see them happy, joking around, content, and ready to voice their opninions whether or not you asked for it, but with good intentions and realized that even these great friends who would do anything if I truly needed it, would do it without complaint....well, some would grumble, but wouldn't hesitate, and still felt alone.  I wanted to randomly hug someone and not let go, just to feel some human touch. to feel love and compassion.  Unfortunately, the closest person was David.  Although he is a great guy and sweet as hell, he is taken and that wouldnt have been appropriate.  Plus, Im sure I would have gotten a,"What the hell?!?" from him and that would have ruined it.  So I kept it contained and bottled it up.  My friend Glenn I think realized something was up because when I was leaving his house he hung around outside and talked with me about Russ and other stuff.  He is a great friend.  I dont know what I would do without him.  So when I came home, I decided I needed some form of outlet.  SOme way to get all this crap off my chest.  Now I find myself before you all.  I know this was a sad entry but its the holidays and Im down, they wont always be like this, lol.  Normally Im pretty good at being positve.  Well, Im off to bed, you guys have a good night.  Sleep well!